omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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