there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
