M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
