i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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