All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
