I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I pour the whiskey from now on
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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