FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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