I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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