the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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