His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
