I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
