You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
