I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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