I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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