really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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