Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
