This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
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Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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