Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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