go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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