i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
