What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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