It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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