Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
