He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
