I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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