I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
