I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
