hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
