Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
