hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
