I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
