I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
