My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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