i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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