Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
