if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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