I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
