Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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