i wish my penis had a tongue
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
