I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
