moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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