Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
