i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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