I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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