Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
