I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
