so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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