If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
