my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
