I smell stomach acid.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
