She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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