Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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