I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
