I think im going to throw up on grandma
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
