Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
