Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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