I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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