is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
