watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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