the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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