i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
