I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
