We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
