If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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